Proposed disclaimers on fortune cookie messages

Shanghai: The Chinese government, the majority stakeholder in the 250 BN dollar worldwide fortune cookie business, yesterday announced that statutory disclaimers will be printed on all subsequent fortune cookie messages.

Lt Gen Shin Lee, a mouthpiece for the government, told Utopia that the move was intended to avoid giving “too much” false hope to individuals who are reeling under heavy economic & personal troubles. “We know that the world is looking to China in these dark times, but we dont want every capitalist loser to harbor positive thoughts about their future”, he said.

While the full text of the disclaimer is not available yet, Utopia has managed to track down an excerpt of the same – “…results ARE NOT TYPICAL and we cannot verify claims by happy customers 100% OF THE TIME. Some recipients may make little or no money at all as a result of these messages. Individual results will vary in accordance to your input, determination, work, ability to follow directions, gene pool of origin, friends in high places & ability to bribe. Not all women like men with a curious smile & mysterious nature….”. The full disclaimer is reported to run into many lines.

Grand Master Zhing, one of the oldest fortune cookie makers in China was appalled at the news & said that this was a mockery to the centuries old science behind the fortune cookie messages. “These imbeciles should be banished from the valley of the golden orchids. They know as much as a toad in a soup”, he said cryptically, with an all knowing smile.

Sam with the fortune cookie that promised him immense wealth

Jack Zollinger, a resident of New york, who has based his entire life on fortune cookie messages, continued to be in a state of denial following this announcement. “If they are printing disclaimers, what does that mean? Does it mean there is a small, infinitesimally small chance that some of the messages may be wrong? But that cant be, right? Right?”, he asked. “I am going to have a talk with the Chinese takeaway joint down the road”, he added.

In a related development, our Chicago desk reports that Sam McNeil, another fortune cookie enthusiast, has reluctantly given up hopes of discovering a dead, rich uncle after he got a fortune cookie which told him “Soon you will be sitting on top of the world. & You will inherit a large sum of money.”

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