The palm that provided the dates

In the first of a series of investigative reports, Utopia tracks down the dry fruit mafia that might be creating the terror trail across South Asia.

Forensic & geography experts working in conjunction with Utopia have managed to track the dates eaten by the terrorists during 26/11 to a palm in Pakistan. In what might be a crucial mistake, the terrorists seemed to have overlooked the fact that the dates, part of the dry fruit packs that they carried, came from a specific species of palms that are native to the SW Frontier province in Pakistan.

The fact that the terrorists did not use the more premium seedless dates have now proven invaluable to the investigation as the seed carries a unique pattern that has led to this discovery. What is even more shocking is the possibility that the planning of the entire attack might have been planned right under this particular palm tree (For our international readers, it is customary in the Indian subcontinent for people to idle away their time sitting under palm trees).

Sadatullah, the local chieftain who is the guardian of the palm said that the dates produced by these palms are known for their nutritional value. He also admitted that there were unconfirmed reports that eating the dates also induced delusional thoughts in people. But there might be more to this seemingly placid countryside, as the entire network of procurement, packaging & distribution of these dates are in the hands of unscrupulous warlords. Some preliminary reports suggest that the dry fruit industry is worth 250 BN dollars, which makes it one of the fundamental driving forces of the Pakistani economy.

“For the dry fruit industry, investing in the emerging young terrorist segment will make sense in the long term”

Jack Rutledge, a consultant with an international firm commented that since the high performance athletic segment was already saturated with diet supplements, the emerging ‘young terrorist’ segment for nutritional diet products worth 100 BN dollars annually is the most attractive segment right now. “For the dry fruit industry, investing in this segment will make sense in the long term”, he said.

Pakistani officials were quick to issue statements alleging that India had sowed the seeds for these palm trees long before partition & thereby inducing its population to take to the habit of eating dates & committing horrible crimes. There was also a failed attempt to cut down the palm tree overnight & bury this sensational story, which was thwarted by the villagers. A prominent Indian media personality has commented that India should bomb & destroy the palm tree. “Now that will send a clear message to Pakistan & the world”, he said, with an air of self-importance.

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