Utopia | Seriously Funny Indian News Blog

Ex US President Bush wins the Nobel prize in literature.

SK — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:53:58 +0000

A visibly surprised Bush on hearing about the nobel prize

Stockholm: Faced with unprecedented criticism over the decision to award the Nobel peace prize to Obama – a rookie president, the Nobel committee announced George Bush – one of the greatest yet unsung leaders of this century – as the recipient of the Nobel prize in literature.

The announcement comes after the entire world had reacted vehemently against giving Obama the peace prize, especially when his only contribution to world peace so far has been mild, self depreciating humour.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the committee members woke up after a drunken night in Stockholm only to discover that Obama had won the peace prize. Legal guidelines meant that they could neither reverse the decision nor award it to another, more deserving person. “The nobel prize in literature is equal if not more significant than the peace prize”, said the spokesperson for the Nobel committee, struggling to overcome an apparent hangover.

The prize has been awarded for Bush’s book ‘Decision Points’, which the former president has started writing. The committee said that rarely has a personality captured the imagination of the world so much & they just knew that the book, written in the typical Dubya style with no concern for political correctness, spelling, grammar or even logic, would be just the book to lead the world into a new era of literary awakening.

Obama : I expect an Olympic gold medal, an Academy award, a Miss Universe title and a slot in the band U2 in the future

George Bush, best known for his violent, aggressive & invasive approach to world peace said that he had never done any of the things that he did hoping for a nobel prize. “We managed to invade, occupy & decimate a few countries. Killed one dictator & put many into power. If all that doesnt bring peace, I dont know what does”, he said.

“And how can Sweden, which is after all a poor African country afford to give away so many prizes ? Shouldnt they first try to feed their own people?”, he added before being informed by his assistant that the award did not come from Sudan.

Meanwhile, Obama told Utopia that he also expects to be given an Olympic gold medal, an Academy award, a Miss Universe title and a slot in the band U2 as recognition of his unbelievable talents. “The Nobel prize, let me make it very clear, is just a beginning”, he added, with an enigmatic, yet serious stare into the camera.

China announces statutory disclaimers for Fortune Cookie messages

SK — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:35:14 +0000

Proposed disclaimers on fortune cookie messages

Shanghai: The Chinese government, the majority stakeholder in the 250 BN dollar worldwide fortune cookie business, yesterday announced that statutory disclaimers will be printed on all subsequent fortune cookie messages.

Lt Gen Shin Lee, a mouthpiece for the government, told Utopia that the move was intended to avoid giving “too much” false hope to individuals who are reeling under heavy economic & personal troubles. “We know that the world is looking to China in these dark times, but we dont want every capitalist loser to harbor positive thoughts about their future”, he said.

While the full text of the disclaimer is not available yet, Utopia has managed to track down an excerpt of the same – “…results ARE NOT TYPICAL and we cannot verify claims by happy customers 100% OF THE TIME. Some recipients may make little or no money at all as a result of these messages. Individual results will vary in accordance to your input, determination, work, ability to follow directions, gene pool of origin, friends in high places & ability to bribe. Not all women like men with a curious smile & mysterious nature….”. The full disclaimer is reported to run into many lines.

some recipients may make little or no money at all as a result of these messages.

Grand Master Zhing, one of the oldest fortune cookie makers in China was appalled at the news & said that this was a mockery to the centuries old science behind the fortune cookie messages. “These imbeciles should be banished from the valley of the golden orchids. They know as much as a toad in a soup”, he said cryptically, with an all knowing smile.

Sam with the fortune cookie that promised him immense wealth

Jack Zollinger, a resident of New york, who has based his entire life on fortune cookie messages, continued to be in a state of denial following this announcement. “If they are printing disclaimers, what does that mean? Does it mean there is a small, infinitesimally small chance that some of the messages may be wrong? But that cant be, right? Right?”, he asked. “I am going to have a talk with the Chinese takeaway joint down the road”, he added.

In a related development, our Chicago desk reports that Sam McNeil, another fortune cookie enthusiast, has reluctantly given up hopes of discovering a dead, rich uncle after he got a fortune cookie which told him “Soon you will be sitting on top of the world. & You will inherit a large sum of money.”

Gir officials ‘corner’ lions for President’s visit

SK — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:14:09 +0000

Lion, waiting for the president of India

AHMEDABAD: Not even the king of the jungle stands a chance when the mighty president of India comes calling. The authorities are ensuring that the president “accidentally” sees the famous Gir lions during her visit here. Unconfirmed reports also say that there are contingency plans to bring in some furred friends from the neighbourhood zoo, just in case the president misses the residents.

The actual story :
The authorities of Gir sanctuary are bending rules a bit to ensure an eye-to-eye encounter for President Pratibha Patil with the king of the jungle at the only abode of the Asiatic lions.Though the sanctuary opens to visitors only on October 15, the President will be allowed inside on Friday on her maiden official visit to Gujarat. Forest officials are working overtime to watch the lions’ movements, especially around the Kamleshwar dam in Gir forest. Two groups of lions were recently spotted in this area.

Read the rest of this story here

Chandrayaan finds water & remnants of Mallu Teashop on Moon

SK — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:44:26 +0000

Panel discussion at Raghavettans Tea Shop on Chandrayaan

New Delhi: The Moon Minerology Mapper(M3) carried by Chandrayaan I, India’s first lunar mission has discovered remnants of a Mallu Teashop on the Moon. Speaking to reporters, the ISRO Chairman said that while the complete data analysis will take a while, the M3 picked up distinct traces of water, tea dust, rudimentary vessels used to make tea, a wooden bench and bits of newspaper – all of which are the typical ingredients of a well run Mallu Tea Shop.

The Chandrayaan mission has in a way confirmed what has been suspected for decades – that post the visit of Mr Armstrong to the moon, atleast one Mallu Tea shop was established on the moon by enterprising Malayalees. For many years, this idea was dismissed by many as yet another ‘Mallu’ joke, but the confirmed
existence of the tea shop has redeemed the belief of the entire nation & restored confidence in the Mallu tea shop as a concept.

Raghav-ettan (pronounced as raghav-ey-ten), one of the founding fathers of the Mallu Tea Shop concept, said that he was not surprised at all by the development. “In the 70s, there was actually a huge rush of Malayalees to the moon to set up small businesses. But the moon did not turn out to be a big attraction, as we had thought. Then Gulf happened & the rest is history”, he said, passing a hot cup of tea to one of his regular customers & taking a break from the panel discussion on the relevance of Dostoyevsky in the new Russia.

In the face of the political & intellectual decay that the state was going through, the discovery of a Mallu tea shop on the moon is trivial & insignificant" - O P Vijay Kumar, renowned intellectual.

The present government in Kerala was quick to claim credit for the development and said that all efforts will be undertaken to put pressure on the central government to bring back the remnants of the tea shop from the moon. “These remnants are part & parcel of our heritage & we demand that it be brought back. In fact the communist party has always been committed to the cause of the proletariats like tea shop workers”, said the chief minister at a press conference in Trivandrum.

Meanwhile, O P Vijay Kumar, a renowned intellectual from the state, told Utopia that in the face of the political & intellectual decay that the state was going through, the discovery of a Mallu tea shop on the moon was trivial & insignificant. Unconfirmed reports from across the country said that the Patels’ Motel, Sardar Da Dhaba, Original Kashmiri Carpets Emporium, Rajasthani Handicrafts shop and the Ayurvedic massage parlour on the moon are all still functional & waiting to offer visitors a taste of Indian hospitality.

Dirty Rotten Swine Flu, a new lethal variant of H1N1 discovered.

SK — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:07:15 +0000

W.H.O poster warning public of Dirty Rotten Swines

Netherlands : The World Health Organisation today warned of an new, extremely lethal variant of the H1N1 virus, referred to by Medical Researchers as ‘Dirty Rotten Swine Flu’, spreading fast across the world. In an alarming twist, a study conducted across 11 countries shows that 87% of the victims so far are either lawyers, politicians or investment bankers dealing with exotic derivatives.

Dr Jacobs, director of the Epidemic Watch committee at WHO, said that the impact of Dirty Rotten Swine Flu is likely to be far more than the regular H1N1 variant. “It has to be kept in mind that these professions are the most ‘thickskinned’ and hence their natural defense mecchanisms were thought to be far stronger. But the fact that the virus has got to them, shows its extreme lethal nature”, he said.

Preliminary reports conducted at the Centre for Disease Control, CDC, indicate that the virus spreads through golden handshakes, false pats on the back, meaningful & opportune winks, slimy self absorbed laughter, rubbing together of the hands with glee, high fives, back handed compliments & underhand dealings – all of which are incidentally trademark gestures and habits that millions of lawyers, politicians & investment bankers live with, every day.

..The virus spreads through golden handshakes, false pats on the back, meaningful & opportune winks, slimy self absorbed laughter..

Charles Jr the IIIrd, a trader at the equity desk for Goldman Sachs, told Utopia, “I feel like a sitting duck and am probably this far from being a Dirty Rotten Swine. Isnt the government supposed to do something about this? What do they do with the taxes I pay on the miniscule part of my income that is not repatriated to tax havens?”, he exclaimed with the aggressive posturing that has come to represent these professions.

Dr Hoja, a practicioner of the Unani form of medicine in India called the Dirty Rotten Flu Virus a ‘robinhood’ of the virus world as it affected “only the rich & the crooked”. However, hope sprung for thousands of affected patients when he added that the Unani system had a cure for the condition.

Unfortunately, 2 minutes after his announcement, DBC&SL Inc,a billion dollar conglomerate announced in New York that they had taken over the Unani practitioners business & would release a commercial vaccine for Dirty Rotten Swine flu soon & that they were filing for a patent for the Unani way of medicine. DBC&SL promised potential investors with a wink that the cure would be made available at a “fair” price.

Investment banking groom valuations fall in Wedding market

MNS says Pixar film ‘UP’ should be banned

SK — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:00:58 +0000

The poster for 'UP' with the real image of the migrant

From Honourary Utopian & Special Correspondent Pallavi
Mumbai: The city based organization for the betterment of life of Mumbaikars – the MNS (NIM) or Mumbai Nationalism Society (Not Including Migrants) – has announced it will stage a morcha to ensure the movie ‘UP’ brought by Disney Pixar to India will be banned. A spokesperson for MNS said that the movie is actually an acronym for U.P. or Uttar Pradesh – a North Indian state that is trying to take over Maharashtra.

Society president Mr. Gaonkar said, “This propoganda film by North Indians in Mumbai is a sly move cloaked in the guise of entertainment for all ages. Non Maharashtra migrants have joined hands with western imperialists. This is the start of the decay of Mumbai society and it stinks – more than the landfills in Malad.”

A society worker who did not wish to be named, speaking exclusively to Utopia said,”The movie U.P is one of the reasons why non Mumbaikars are becoming cocky and gung-ho about their presence in the city. They must realize that they are here as visitors and guests and should behave as such. We are planning to start issuing visas for entry soon.”

Speaking on another issue close to the workers of the MNS(NIM), the secretary of the society Mr Khandekar said, “We are very tolerant people. The opening up of restaurants serving Chinese food, South Indian food and Punjabi food has always been a problem but we have allowed it. But of late we see some multiplexes offer vada pau as a snack but we find that they do not have any ‘combos’ of nimbu paani and vada pau, only colas and popcorn and even hot dogs and colas. It is clear they are trying to undermine the local snack food movement.”

In a startling development just before going to press, we have learned that the Institute for Development of Indianess Of Teenagers (also going by the acronym I.D.I.O.T.) has joined hands with the Mumbai Nationalism Society to oppose the screening of this film. The president of the insitute says that the movie UP is being promoted by Disney, an oppressive western cult envisioned on the lines of the East India Company.

Mr. Kuruvilla says, “Disney is aiming to brainwash our youth with stories of talking mice and ducks creating a false sense of reality. We all know that only Indian animals were evolved enough to talk and our historians have documented this in historical texts like the Jataka Tales. This latest venture by Disney using a senior citizen as the central character in the movie UP to tug at Indian heartstrings and preying on our respect for elders is their lowest move yet.”

Disney or Pixar films were not available for comments.

Bollywood superstar detained again, at Newark Airport traffic light for over 3 minutes.

SK — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:45:10 +0000

The infamous Newark traffic light where SRK was detained

New York/Mumbai : In an unbelievable act of insensitivity to Bollywood, the reigning superstar, was detained at a traffic light outside the Newark airport for more than 3 minutes. What was even more baffling was that despite repeated telephone calls to the NY Traffic control HQ, there was no move to release the superstar. Unconfirmed reports suggest that SRK had to endure the painful sight of average Americans crossing the road & eating burgers while he was forced to stay immobile.

The spokesperson for the External Affairs Ministry, Mr Goel said in New Delhi that the issue was being raised at the highest levels. “I cant imagine India treating any of its guests this way. I know that last year when Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie had come to Pune, we had switched off all city traffic lights across Maharashtra & cleared the Mumbai-Pune express way of all traffic for a month”, he added. “In fact, we have kept the traffic lights off ever since in Pune city, just in case Brangelina decides to drop in at short notice”, exclaimed Mr Goel.

The US Ambassador said that there were certain software glitches that could have contributed to this “unfortunate development”. However Utopia has learned from reliable sources that the Obama administration was not particularly pleased with the comment SRK had made about “frisking Angeline Jolie next time she is in India”. US foreign policy expert Dr Raina said “It is a well known fact that President Obama is a great fan of Ms Jolie”.

“Last year when Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie had come to Pune, we had switched off all city traffic lights across Maharashtra & cleared the Mumbai-Pune express way of all traffic for a month”

Friends of the actor reacted strongly to the detention & said that traffic lights in the US seemed to act “funny”, especially when there were South Asians driving. “Once the lights turned red directly from green, even without the yellow warning light. I guess it happens to superstars like us”, said Chunkey Pandey.

Protests have erupted across India as fans of the superstar tried to come to terms with this unfortunate development. Over 2400 traffic lights across India were destroyed as sporadic violence broke out. Spokesperson for the CPI(M), at a press conference in Calcutta, said that India should get used to such acts of shame, now that we have sacrified our nuclear freedom at the altars of the bourgeoisie. “We dont know the gentlemen who was detained, as we dont watch any thing remotely popular. But the traffic light incident clearly shows the basic capitalist desire to control the common man”, said Comrade Prakash.

However, SRK played down the incident saying that such mundane experiences help him prepare for upcoming ‘realistic roles’ in movies.

Dilbert fired, as recession spreads through world of make believe.

SK — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 17:48:02 +0000

Dilbert & his potential replacement - the 3 in one printer.

San Fransico : Dilbert, known to many as the one who gave a voice to the community of software engineers, lost his job yesterday as part of an organisation wide readaptisation-to-changing-consumer-needs drive. The news spread shock and terror in the world of animation, as Dilbert was widely seen as a survivor, having successfully tackled numerous trips to Elbonia & a number of run-ins with Ratbert & Dogbert, the human resources evangelists of the company.

But speaking to Utopia on the sidelines, Wally (name changed), one of the star performers of the company said that he had seen this coming. “Wasnt Dilbert fired long ago ?”, he added. A member of the senior management, with peculiarly pointed hair said that Dilbert had become redundant in the Web 2.0 era. When asked about the implications of Web 2.0 on the company, the official said that they were still in the process of buying the right LCD monitor to see Web 2.0 and that the larger screen would help the senior management appreciate ‘the bigger picture’.

Industry analysts said that the incident had shown how insensitive the senior management was to career management, especially as Dilbert recently had a performance appraisal where he was given an AXE-D-2M rating which described him as a ‘significant force in the lower percentiles’ of the company.

Confidential reports from management consultants said that the All In One, one touch scanner-copier-printer will handle delegation well, would not require motivational speeches, will look good on a bench & be more efficient & productive than the regular software engineer

However, Alice, one of the equal opportunity employees in the company, said that there were indications of this measure as recently the boss ordered for an all in one scanner-copier-printer with a gleam in his eye. She also claims to have seen confidential reports from management consultants which said that the all in one, one touch scanner-copier-printer will handle delegation well, would not require motivational speeches, will look good on a bench & be more efficient & productive than the regular software engineer or two.

Ex clients from Elbonia who have interacted with Dilbert in the past described him as one who was multi-culture-tolerant & extremely adaptive to hostile local situations. Some unconfirmed reports also talk about dissident liberals in the Elbonian blogospheres moving to elect Dilbert as their next dictator.

African Tribals Inc, a large headhunting firm which specialises in ‘Resource Relocation’, said that though the current economic scenario will make it difficult for Dilbert to find alternate employment. “It does not help that he has been engaged in badmouthing the strategic directions of his company. It sounds fun when you have a job, its not that fun when you dont”, added Dr Mambosa, the current Chief, sternly.

The all-in-one scanner-copier-printer told Utopia that irrespective of the levels of cooperation it would get inside the organisation, it will carry out all the responsibilities assigned to the best of its abilities.

No related posts.

Quick Gun Murugun helping North Indians understand Madrasi culture.

SK — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 10:08:27 +0000

The Iconic Quick Gun Murugun

Mumbai: In a fitting tribute to the power of popular cinema over human behaviour, a recent study has shown that the cinematic epic ‘Quick Gun Murugun’ substantially improved understanding of the Madrasi culture among North Indians. The study which was conducted by Masala Dose, a top notch Chennai based consumer research firm, covered 4 major North Indian cities – Mumbai, Ahmedabad, Calcutta & Delhi and about 842 respondents.

The study covered the broad topics of Language, Food, Costumes and Tradition.

Among the more encouraging findings of the study was that respondents who had watched Quick Gun were able to reproduce funny sounding imitations of at least 2 or more South Indian languages, compared to just one phrase, (usually “Ennada, Mind it”) by those who had not. Dr Reddy, prominent linguist & historian, told Utopia that for a vast country like India, understanding languages was the first step to understanding each other. “This augurs well for the nation”, he said.

Karan Rai, one of the more erudite respondents said that “All these years, I could never understand the multi layered Madrasi culture. For eg, I did not know that Madras, the capital of South India is now called Chennai. Chennai-ite sounds much more cooler than Madrasi. So South Indians are getting cooler, like us”, he said, in a rare candid moment.

I did not know that Madras, the capital of South India is now called Chennai. Chennai-ite sounds much more cooler than Madrasi.

Respondents who watched the movie were also able to name more than 3 popular South Indian dishes and appreciate the climatic realities that prompts the use of bright, long knee length boxers under the folded up Dhoti. Sambasivan, a Madrasi from Kerala, remarked that while the North Indians only had Alu Paratha & Butter Chicken as staple food, south Indians actually had more depth to their culinary expertise. “If they can start thinking of South India beyond Idli-Dosa, then I would say we have made a start”, he commented in the profound manner typical of an informed Keralite.

However, Dr Ram Iyengar, Phd, M Phil, said that while at a superficial level, this increasing sensitivity was good, North Indians at large were missing the deeper & more philosophical questions that the movie raised. “The fight for vegetarianism is actually at a metaphysical level, a call to purge & reject the excesses of life”, he added passionately.

Indian Moral Police inaugurate SA chapter

SK — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 17:39:52 +0000

Indian Moral Police in a festive mood in Cape Town

Cape Town : The famous self appointed, not-for-profit volunteer organisation, Indian Moral Police (IMP) inaugurated their first overseas chapter in South Africa yesterday with a token protest against the IPL cheerleaders. Dr S S Swami, the honourary guest at the event formally declared the chapter open by the ceremonial burning of an effigy of the IPL commissioner, Lalit Modi & wanton breakage of three pre selected vehicles.

Speaking to reporters in a fiery tone, Dr Swami said that the moral fabric of South Africa was in imminent danger of being torn apart. “We are doing nothing but continuing what Mahatma Gandhi set out to achieve decades ago. We have already identified the train that he was thrown out of, we will ensure they dont throw out any one any more”, he said. “But first, there is the matter of the IPL cheerleaders”, he hastily added.

When a reporter pointed out the climate of racial discrimination that has plagued South Africa for many years, Dr Swami said that a small organisation like IMP cannot tackle all social evils. “We will first address the issue of the scantily clad women, then move on to larger things like valentines day & the despicable practice of holding hands in public. Considering that the Mahatma chose to spend his formative years here, we have a moral responsibility to safeguard whatever culture South Africa has”, he said.

Many native South Africans were curious about this desi brigade. “I thought that a circus had come to town”, remarked an innocent bystander before he was chased away by some volunteers with Indian latis. The South African police force admitted that they had not invited the IMP or for that matter the Indian Police force. “As long as they have all the necessary performance licenses, we are okay with them holding their snake charmer show or whatever it is they are organising”, said Inspector Hoogan, clearly unaware of the respect that the IMP commands in certain taluks of Mysore & certain bylanes of Borivili.

“Now we are beginning to understand how sensible the route of non violence & ahimsa is” – IMP volunteer

However Utopia has learnt that the IMP has run into some unexpected trouble after a few of their senior pub cleansing specialists were roughed up by young South African school girls at a local pub. The pub cleansers had to beat a sudden retreat to avoid being completely humiliated. “Now we are beginning to understand how sensible the route of non violence & ahimsa is”, said a volunteer at the IMP, speaking on strict assurance that his identity will be protected.

Local Toddy Shop No 41 inadvertently destroys centuries old Indian culture